It's one of those ultra crazy ER days with all the beds full,
waiting room restless, and the hallway
filling up as well. A rescue call comes
in over the "bat phone" for an elderly gentleman needing assistance
with depression and suicidal ideation. Where can I put him to keep an eye on him
and keep him safe? Which nurse can take another patient? I wonder what medical issues he has as well??
I have no actual room to put him in.
The patient arrives, somewhat inebriated, with sad eyes and
with oxygen on. I'm told by the
paramedic that his medical issues include COPD, hypertension, and
depression. He is placed on a stretcher
in the hallway in between my charge
nurse station and another nursing station...the
more eyes on him the better. He is
attended to by a nurse and my mind returns to the rest of the department.
Hours go by with no change in the bulging at the seams ER. I
go to the bathroom and return to see our elderly, depressed gentleman making a
beeline for the ambulance bay exit, minus his oxygen and shoes. I take off down the hall after him and catch
up to him as he reaches the outside. He
stops once outside. I stand beside him. "Whatcha doin?" I ask.
"I just wanted some air."
"I get that, sometimes I come out here for a minute
just to catch my breath too."
We stand still in the warm sun and take a few breaths of gorgeous 75 degree air.
I turn to look at him and notice for the first time his ball
cap...a veteran.
We really need to get back inside. I am the charge nurse and I need to know what's
going on in there and you need to put your oxygen back on. "ok"
I settle him back on the stretcher and put his oxygen back
on. His sad eyes pierce my heart. I grab a stool and sit. "So you are a veteran I see. What branch of the military did you serve?" He tells me.
"I was just a boy over there and I saw things that I
never should have seen. "
His sad brown eyes bore into mine. My heart cracked. "I cannot even fathom what you
saw."
"My best friend got his head blown off right beside me
and I ran... fearing I was next."
I said nothing as my eyes filled with tears. Our eyes never moved from each others. "I see this happening over and over just
about every day now and I want to die."
"Is that why you are here today, because the urge to
kill yourself is too strong?"
"Yes, I want to die...I don't want to kill myself
because of my children, but I just cannot turn off my mind. Please don't send me back home."
I sit with him for several more minutes listening to his
thoughts. For these few moments it was
just he and I. I was unaware of the
chaos around me. I just wanted to stay
there and listen...stay present in that moment with him...the bat phone rings and
catches my ear...and I have to go. "I
have to answer that phone, it's another ambulance call."
"Thank you for your time and for your compassion."
I thought about this man for most of the night. I had to write about him today. I pray that once crisis got to him they came
up with a plan that would actually help him.
I may never know. Those few
moments of my 12 hour shift touched my soul, and I hope that I touched his. It is truly sad to me that medicine has become
such a business model that it takes nursing away from their patients! We are so budget conscious that staffing is
reduced~~ taking time away from nurses so that they can actually CARE for their
patients. We have just enough time to do
all of the tasks required in the patient care (the IV, the blood draw, the EKG,
the medications, the xrays...etc) but it is the time required to sit and be
present that has been taken away. It is
not right. That patient needed more of
my time...and I wanted to give it to him...